murphylol

Anything that can go wrong, will go (embarrassingly) wrong.

Finals

It’s finally the last lap of the semester and I am ashamed to say I have not started the race well and probably not managing the last lap well at all. My 4th paper is tomorrow and I have barely started on the first chapter at all….I wonder if this last minute work, if I’m ever kickstarting, is gonna help. It feels like I have already given up.

Mess

The thought of all the deadlines and time constraint really irks me. My self-control is at a pit and I feel an overwhelming sense of hopelessness each day. Perhaps I’m merely reaping what I sow – by not focusing on what’s needed to be done and leave it to the eleventh hour. Whatever happened to my farsighted attitude and my relentless grit that once embodied me. I’m deeply disappointed in myself despite all the assurance I made here weeks ago. Weeks have passed and things seem to go downhill instead.

1 more day to a graded presentation that I barely start. 1 more week to meet a group proposal deadline which nobody seems to bother. 8 more days to my first Finals paper where I am 5 topics behind. 4 more modules to catch up from the start. As I typed this, I realised how wrecked the second half of my semester is. Can I still make the cut? I need to.

Despicable Me

A leopard never changes its spots. Perhaps it is a kismet that I am always doomed to be an outlier. To be continued.

Semester Disaster

BP: Sem1 W6

120616; 1913

Currently on a direct bus that is 15km away from my RC. Yes, I stay in the residential college and I have since started my tertiary education. Come to think of it, it’s been months since I made my last blog post. I’m pretty sure laziness is not the cause of my inactivity but my lack of discipline instead. In the army, I remember taking time out to blog as often as I can, at least once a week when I’m booking in. Now, although I seem to have more freedom, I haven made a single post. Perhaps it’s time to truly reflect on the happenings recently.

Time waits for no man indeed. In the blink, it’s already Week 6 and truth to be told, my mentality, attitude and behaviour is analogous to one of a Week 1. There’s an utter lack of discipline, self-control and sense of urgency in me and I’m not fond of it. Addiction and temptations are very real these days where I find myself sticking to my laptop for a prolonged period of time not to do any productive work but gaming – yes on the same exact game I once promised to abort but to no avail. It’s already commonplace to hear many of my friends remarking how I claimed to quit the last time we met yet later they found out I’m going back to play it lol. A frequent excuse I used to rationalise this habit was how I’m earning real life currency from it. Admittedly, the amount fluctuated and it’s not worth the time and effort invested. I tend to make time for the game no matter how busy my days are and my reason for sleeping as late as 5/6am each day is not ascribed to studying but you know what. As a result, inevitably I caught myself stuck in a gigantic snowball of work that I have trouble keeping up. Coupled with the financial drain that the game caused, some weeks are really tiresome to get past. Whatsoever happened to my priorities?

As I type these, I am increasingly overwhelmed with regrets and how I have the seemingly formidable proclivity to do something that will obviously bring more harm than good. Maybe it’s really time to stop giving myself and others false promises and really get back on track, to be who I truly need and can be. My current lifestyle is in stark contrast to my JC one where the latter was really disciplined and determined. I have never found myself being so obsessed over something like that and gambling is really detrimental. Let’s put a stop to this, shall I?

How’s RC life you may ask. Well, I am honestly revelling in it and I have no qualms against it except for its exorbitant cost. I love the facilities, the conduciveness and the people. I love how need not deal with the morning and evening crowds on the train and how I can wake up less than an hour before a lecture but still be on time while breakfast is taken. Speaking of lecture and breakfast, they are almost nonexistent to me because the last time I ever had breakfast was Week 2 and the last lecture ever truly attended was Week 3. It’s been said that people stay in the hostels to attend classes but I seem to totally neglect such a trend lol. I shall attribute everything to my incessant gaming habit. But the real question here is if I’m truly maximising my stay here? I have joined several interest groups but I haven attended most of them. Sorry to say that and I’m also ashamed of myself. Okay actually only the dance IG coz the training is quite often and I’m still inactive lol. Perhaps I shall kick that evil habit and see how I have improved.

Uni life is indeed very different from JC. The latter is more rigid where everything is arranged for you. You don’t control the curriculum but the curriculum controls you. Your peers are your motivating force and you just find yourself keeping up with the pace easily. Here in uni, independence is key and you are your own driving force. No one is there to nag at you and it’s your free will whether to meet the deadlines or not. You don’t suffer as a class but as an individual. I’m really grateful for my teachers back then who trusted in me and really pushed me. Today, I truly miss their scolding and ranting that propelled me. I’m already one year into my twenties yet I barely exercised some autonomy over my wellbeing and future. I need to revert this trend and get up from my failures. I’m sorry to disappoint everyone who once trusted me. I promise to make you proud again.

It’s pretty nice to meet familiar faces from all parts of my life here, like my army, pri/sec/jc and church friends. As such, the environment is holistically friendly and this is one reason why I forsook NTU. Nonetheless, it can be kinda tiring to think of who to have lunch every day. At times, I may feel kinda empty not having to find anyone to have my lunch with although my house and og jio people at times. Most of the time, I ended up having lunch by myself (around 2-3pm because that’s the time I woke up LOL). I’m actually pretty cool with it. I’m just thinking it would be better if there’s a constant company. As of now, even Tuesdays will be spent with XH and odd Thursdays with FS after class. Other days are just randomly spent. This setting kinda reminds me of secondary school days where I usually ate alone during recesses because of some politics. It’s pretty childish and lame now I think of it LOL. I’m glad JC was so much different for the better.

One aspect that I am most affected about now is my faith. Maybe I should confess that I have backslid for a myriad of known and unknown reasons. I no longer feel a connection with God although I still commit to say grace and pray before and after sleeping. It feels different. Maybe I’m too comfortable living a secular life that is liberated from all those obligations and commitments that can be really draining. What really happened? I know that I need Him yet I chose to walk astray. Who can bring me back? I can’t do it alone I guess. I need a breakthrough.

The highlights of these past few weeks include my performance at the Esplanade, sending off Alika at the airport last week and a fine dining with Alika and Melwin to celebrate Melwin’s birthday in advance before Alika left. For the concert, I had mixed feelings about it. On one hand, I’m really honoured to perform on such a grand stage to a full house. On the other hand, what bothered me was how I receive a chain of invitation rejections taunted with excuses at the last minute. If someone were to invite me to a concert and I’m free, I wouldn’t mind turning up alone. If lack of sleep is a reason, then I’m more speechless. If I know the concert is a big deal to my good friend, I will definitely attend no matter what. The disgusting thing is how the concert is free and yet I chose not to support. What’s worse is how I have already rejected six consecutive invitations to attend. The messages that came in that afternoon really disappointed me. Still, thanks Kaiying and Linda for coming although the invitation was kinda last min too. If you’re reading this, stop thinking that I only have acquaintances lol.

Yet last few days spent with A and M are expensive but valuable. The fine dining was a great experience although the price not very fine ah. Ordered a few dishes with names I couldn’t pronounce. Spent the next day exploring the cafes in the Tiong Bahru premise and then studied at NLB. On Wednesday 6/9 midnight, we sent A off for his study at the UK. The next time we will meet would probably be the end of the year. Will certainly miss the good times spent together man. All the best!

Alright I’ve just collected my bun for dinner at the dining hall and right now I’m lying on my bed at the hostel. I shall catch up with whatever I’ve missed over the weekend soon.

2023

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Fatelures

0300

 

these days feel like im a huge loser in everything. i flunk in finance, studies, relationship, friendship, faith, health, commitments and im just naming a few. if i were friend with myself, i would certainly be ashamed of it as many will agree. im sorry if i impose my ways onto you and spurt out nasty remarks. everything seems to have a cause and effect. maybe it’s my upbringing and when compelled with my obstinate personality, i tend to want things my way. since young, i feel like i am never getting the things i want so is it normal that i am frustrated when the same situation happens as i am older? maybe i dedicate much of my time into computer gaming because there is a void to fill that im trying to avoid. perhaps the superiority in my virtual world somewhat ephemerally replaces the complex inferiority in the real me.

before i started penning this, i told myself that it’s just gonna be a succinct entry. now, after weeks of hiatus, i think there’s a need to update about the recent highlights. one of them is my results which are released on the start of this month. instead of checking it out immediately, i chose to only reveal it on the end of my arduous 3-day event work that was not so worthwhile. i did that because i knew deep down that it wasn’t gonna be awe-inspiring and i did not want to affect my work performance. on the 3rd day, i garnered my courage and decided to click on the ‘show’ button. lo and behold, i found myself praising the Lord and took several glances to verify it. i have passed both modules and it was a shocking revelation as i screwed up my finals terribly. this time i am not exaggerating as out of the 4 questions in each paper, i only knew how to do one and that one also comprised some major uncertainties. while i did not do fantastically well for both and even messed up my core elective, i thank God that S/U is permitted and it’s definitely a wake up call. if this were the official grades, i would have lost the privileges bestowed upon me. i pray hard that i will not repeat my habit of major procrastination and promise to work triply hard when the official term commences. as for the two modules, i guess i would S/U the better one, which is my unrestricted elective (that i inadvertently signed up for).

as aforementioned, the 3-day event work was gruesome because i had to stand for at least 12 hours each day. i thought i promised myself not to do such a job after sitex 2013 but i found myself accepting the offer once again. my job was to ask passersby to sign up for our free online newsletter and i was given an initial target of 150. while it sounded peanut, the reality was harsher than told. i was pretty annoyed when my boss mentioned my initial target was still 150 when i began to lose steam as i hit above 100 on the last day. i honestly doubt it was reasonable and realistic and i believe i had already been very professional to the extent that the neighboring insurance agents commended me as hardworking. personally, i am pretty impressed with myself. although my boss commended that i did a good job, i personally feel she thought that i could be better. let just await the next event to see if i was worth the hiring. nonetheless, it’s a good experience and i even formed some connections with the exhibitors there.

i am sad to share this but i think i have backslid. even though i still pray every night before i sleep, say thanks when i awake and grace when i eat, i feel like i am drifting away from God. i stopped attending youth service, do not attend Sunday service as i succumbed to my sleep and only attend Friday cell groups occasionally. why is this the case? this is clearly not the lifestyle i want to live yet i find myself gratifying desires that weigh down the bridge. last night, i was reluctant in attending my cell group for a myriad of reasons. Friday nights used to have a different significance that really compels me to anticipate it and grow in the Word. today, it feels just like a mundane gathering that only aims to finish the lesson. tbh, i was disgusted when a rule was set to ban Snapchat during every session. what’s worse was how my leader actually blocked me on Twitter when i kidded and that really upset me a lot. everyone in the past seemed more open towards learning and having fun. how about Saturday youth service? i stopped my ministry and went missing in action few months back as i found myself hardly adapting to the rapidly -changing atmosphere and worship style. sometimes it’s due to my sinful desire to stay at home gaming yet the former is still a more prominent reason. truth to be told, i really want to attend Sunday service every week but i just can’t find the discipline to wake up each dreadful morning. deep down, i am really saddened by my spiritual state. as i reflect, i think it started to head downhill since the demise of my grandma last year when i was really bombarded with many other setbacks then. i really questioned God and all i got was more misfortunes.

recently, i have also made some important decisions that will impact some aspects of my life in one way or another. i have withdrawn from rehearsing with my uni band despite much persuasion as i thought i should take July off to recuperate from the past draining months. i have withdrawn from a music camp which i signed up for as reading through its content once more makes me uninterested and i can’t afford to miss another practice with my other band. i have signed up for financial aid loans on top of the allowances from my scholarship as i think i shouldn’t be further burdened by finances and it can also lighten my dad’s worries too. speaking of that, i am actually pretty worried that my application is withdrawn and i need to reapply as the deadline for a final submission is nearing and my login just now encountered some administrative difficulties that redirect me to reapplication. i really loathed how i am dealing with matters like this like a snail and only commit to it at the eleventh hour when the office was closed and i could not seek help early. now i just have to wait for a reply that may make me miss the deadline. that aside, i have also started teaching this lower sec boy maths since last week and the last lesson will end by this month which is a very apt timing for both of us. i have dismissed myself from my former administrative work two days ago after sorting out the final work once and for all. lastly, i have confirmed to stay in a residential college in a suite department and i have signed up for its camp that’s starting on the 18th. i really wonder what will my residential life entail and i really hope it can be a positive one.

before i close, i just want to say it’s heartwrenching to see the last drop of water in a boiler vaporised. while i am not a good friend to all and i have been very unreasonable to some at times, i really hope people can see where i am coming from and not jump into conclusion. even if i am wrong, i really love to see a considerate way of correction. instead of escaping, i think it’s better if we embrace it with maturity and patience. i know my way of thinking and doing things is unorthodox but all i ask is just greater understanding. if you feel i am always wanting my way, why not attempt to see things from my prospective or even understand why i say that. it’s been tiring i know after these years of struggle to keep afloat. if it’s meant to sink like a stone, why try so hard to make it buoyant? after all, with the right conditions, even a thousand-ton ship can float without a problem.

0409

 

 

Majority wins

a brief but heated exchange of words earlier on has much dampened my mood. it’s more than the ridicules and false accusations hurled onto me but how the situation once again proved that I’m always by myself in a conflict with nobody around to back my points up. It would be much heartening to have someone speaking up for me, especially in that scenario when the other party is too direct and extreme to be not wrong. While majority eventually agrees with me, it’s not shown openly like the support I need. This week is already bad enough as I barely breezed through my Finals. I really don’t need this unnecessary fight but it reminds me greatly about the reasons why I couldn’t wait to escape the presence of the crowd last time. And just because most people have the same opinion, it doesn’t mean that that’s the truth. Yet, I always find myself in the wrong that’s perceived by people.Β With this lingering melancholy, I wonder if the formerly much anticipated gathering tomorrow would be fond at all.

 

0357

023456789

just feel like God is not even concerned about me at all. these two days have been terrible. it’s like curse to the smrt trains. I am also heavily criticised when I’ve tried my best and sacrificed a huge chunk of my pride and reputation. I feel like God is deliberately placing all these tribulations to punish me for my disobedience. This dryness is persistent for almost a year already.

My group assignment is tomorrow and I have yet to complete 4 new topics required to do it. Woke up really late in the afternoon today and didn’t get to actualise my plan to do a bit of revision. Woke up in a verbal crossfire between my parents too regarding money issues again.

Right now I’m late for my band practice as I waited for the bus for a good 20 minutes. Ever felt like the whole world is going against u and u are at a real loss with nobody to comfortably count on? I wouldn’t be surprised if I’m diagnosed with depression. It culminated in recent years and I doubt anyone knows it. At one point in time I almost called the counselling hotline. While suicide wasn’t my answer at all, I feel like I’m dying in real life. It sucks.

 

δΊΊη·£

my grandma used to use these 2 words to describe me since young as i often got into arguments with people. today, i think i still bore such a stigma as i constantly find myself conflicting with many parties. these days i really feel dejected by relationships as even those who kept a lookout for me have turned their back or blatantly walked a separate path from me. i kinda feel nobody is really interested in knowing what’s going on in my life and i find it very tiring to keep asking people the same thing to elicit a dissimilar response.

i am also quite perplexed by my financial conditions and i hate how it mildly but surely destroys ties. tbh im living in a deficit even at this point in life. i am dismayed by the streaks of rejections from my relatives whom i used to think i could rely on in trying times. i felt at loss when the last source of help declined with a myriad of reasons. i feel really sorry for my dad who has to clear the mess i am in with such optimism and assurance. he has helped me a lot and i am ashamed of my inability to be financially independent. still, im grateful for the few who have also attended to my needs and you may be reading this now. ios update is a burden right?

if only time could rewind

0342

mess with (in) me

would u truly befriend someone who does not come from an affluent background? sometimes i feel like a burden to the people who try to help me financially. at times i feel like my burden is derived from my family financial status. contrary to the belief held by some, no, i do not come from a well to do family. many a times i spent lavishly and wastefully on stuff that don’t matter without a tinge of guilt. it’s a killer habit.

one thing that i really revere about our government here is their financial assistance scheme which had helped me significantly in my 12 years of education. i had barely forked out much money at all for my education and im ever grateful for the various bursaries given out to recognise my efforts in school. when i was young, i inevitably made comparisons to kids of other households, envying their prized possessions of a mere gameboy colour, ps1 or even a lego set. i did not have the luxury of these items. even now, i do not own what many people desire, from a conventional air-con (recently i loathe about how my papers keep flying when im doing work with my 5-year-old fan behind me) to a simple and short getaway with my family. one thing that i think i have done right and at the same time wrong is to purchase my first ever personal laptop last July with my NS money topped up a tad with my dad’s money. if not for it, i would be struggling to finish my online-intensive modules now. its purchase is also a great platform for temptations as i slowly found myself addicted to online gaming where unnecessary splurging of money ensued. perhaps i had spent on this needless, superficial aspect to fill that unspeakable void and esteem in me.

i used to regrettably complain about how i shouldn’t spend that two grands on gaming because i’m financially suffocated. come to think of it, even if i were to save up that sum, would i not be crippling now? well, probably but not for long i guess as i would have spent it on other aspects as well. it’s perplexing to be in my current circumstances right now where im in loan to my school and friends. i really hope to relieve the latter as they too need the money. as for my school fees, i constantly question myself on making that costly decision months ago on whether to sign up for this advanced courses. this is another topic i would want to talk about.

just before i ord, my school asked if i was keen to join this special programme catered to the nsmen. i casually weighed upon my priorities and realised it’s actually useful and relevant to me since my unique programme of completing a normal degree in just 3 years requires me to complete more modules per semester than most people. also, it would be a great avenue for me to recap and refresh my moldy mind before the real thing starts. so guess what? i mindlessly went to sign myself up for it thinking that i will be disciplined enough to conquer it. the first module starts its ungraded online component in January and its graded online and real-life lessons in March. at the start, i didn’t put in any effort at all since it’s ungraded and it’s ‘still early’. weeks proceeded and i decided to change my course to chemical engineering and this inevitably made me change my modules as well. i dropped two and took up one new module.

things then started to turn real serious in March when offline sessions were conducted in the school premise. each session really propelled me to put in more effort to catch up with the rest but that fire died when i reached home. it’s a norm to feel demoralised. things were aggravated when i realised i have missed 5 deadlines for my graded online assignments which total up to 7.5%. just when i thought things were bad enough, i further realised that this module is just an unrestricted elective for me, which means i do not have to take at all to fulfill my faculty requirement. at that moment, i really loathed myself for making such a bad move and planning. in fact, i spent more time on that module than my core module. a read-through of a welcome email sent to me by my unique 3-year programme claims that the current two modules are the hardest level 1000 modules in the faculty and i believe i am the only person who takes such a weird combination. just last lesson, my prof asked me why do i take up this module meant for mechanical engineering and i spontaneously responded with IDK in a comically despondent way. still, it is still a good module for me to explore my former course that i dropped and its practicality is actually useful. above all, i should have read the list of recommended modules more carefully then but it is all too late.

if not for this advanced programme or in fact, my ill-discipline and half-hearted attitude, i would have lived a more enriching life free of academic stress and earn more money to finance my present and future expenses. i think the main culprit would be my personal attitude towards it. someone remarked this to me months ago: zhijie, you always participate in things u can’t commit to. now i think of it, perhaps his crude statement is a harsh yet true sentiment. perhaps my spirit can commit but my body says no. i should have known better and not let procrastination take a hold of me. should i be ashamed to announce that i have only started to learn the new topics two days from now before its 25% weightage test? for now, nothing much can be done and all these rantings can’t avert a thing. i have nightmares of losing my place in the prestigious programme coupled with the scholarship.Β all i can do now is to really set my eyes on the crucial work and my feet on the right track. i need to go on full engine.

although my test is really impending, i have compromised my revision time to type these out. not because i am skiving. i just feel an urge to share some of my roaring emotions here. i am also kinda upset by how i am turned down by my closest friends, subconsciously or not. sorry for being such a nettlesome friend. maybe things just cant revert to the familiar past and change is a must. i have a feeling that everything will fall in place when i dedicate my time more to Him as i have been drifting and floating aimlessly all these while. it’s actually affecting me like how my spiritual life has been in a rumble too. can all these debris still be restored to its former glory?