by hozhijie

Camp is starting tomorrow and instead of feeling excited, I’m engulfed more with anxiety and apprehension. I guess I have been flooding myself with too much negativity these days as I intoxicate myself with doubts, demoralising beliefs and degrading ideas. I always think I am not cut for this role and I wonder what propelled me to sign up for it. Just awhile ago, I asked my friend why didn’t he sign up for the camp as a leader and he gave a succinct yet thought-provoking reply: That’s not my kind of social activity. I don’t know why but it resonates deeply with me especially when I have a more than fair enough dose of interaction and coordination. Maybe if the work environment radiates a more supportive vibe, I would have enjoyed my appointment a little more. If 2017 were to teach me anything about myself, it would be I’m better working alone or not working in any projects at all, because I fear the mental obligations that interaction burgeons.

I am an over-thinker and many a times an over-doer as well. I tend to finish what I set to accomplish and not leave it half-done. Apparently, such characteristic of mine kinda elicits a response I hate to expect – having people brushing my idea off and not even giving it a try. I am mostly associated with the cringe and awkward connotations that are polar opposite of my goals. I tried, and I’m tired. And yes, I’m just soft and not resilient enough. I’m just not a people-person and I still seek to understand myself as a person.

Enough with the vague rants, I really hope the camp will turn out better than expected. Till Friday.