Disappointment

by hozhijie

545am: These days, I am flooded with leadership commitments that I have voluntarily taken up. I wonder what really motivated me to assume these roles but my slightest reflection tells me that it is certainly not to polish my portfolio. Perhaps I wanted to know more people, to keep myself preoccupied so I can stop playing my games, to make myself seem more useful, or to really just have fun. While I enjoy my fruit of labor after doing so much administrative work, I can’t help but to feel empty and to some extent, a little upset with how things are progressing. Forging bonds is not as easy as it seems and many a times, I feel like my effort is taken for granted. People just don’t reciprocate with appreciation but I shall acknowledge this is actually normal and only natural. Past experiences have shown me that my biggest flaw is to expect to receive when I give. This is one reason why sometimes I was not happy doing what I was tasked to do. I believe I have improved a little with time but these feelings just linger on a little every now and then.

I have also come to realise the importance of having good team dynamic with the people I work with. Few weeks ago, I ended an event project with a team I do not regard with respect at all. The three-month course of collaboration only reveals the true colors of people which I am deeply disturbed with, but not conveyed across. It came across as trying to fill up that position merely for the adornment of one’s cv, neglecting the needs of others and pushing responsibilities around. Can you imagine how would it be to handle the work alone which is meant for the entire team and not being shown concern, support and encouragement? No one bat an eye and things only worsened with the repeated rejections of my little suggestions to make things better. In the end, when things went awry, oh everyone naturally pointed their fingers at me. I am the biggest loser who did not know how to stand up for myself.

After doing so much shitwork, I chanced upon a hearsay that someone in my team thought I was eccentric. At first, I laughed it off, thinking that it was funny and not a big deal. Little did I know I was actually perturbed by such a tiny comment. Negative feedback set in and I begin to question many things like how am I gonna forge bond when this is the kind of impression I etched upon others? At times I feel like people only think for themselves, only wanting to go with the flow effortlessly and then reap the harvest together. Or maybe that’s just life and that’s the premise for the existence of leaders. It would be nice to receive encouragement like ‘hey let me know if you ever need help’ or ‘thanks so much for coming up with this’. Am I expecting a lot or just being too sensitive as usual? I don’t display it but deep down, that would soothe my mental stress a lot.

It’s 559am and I’m still up typing this, not feeling a tinge of tiredness. Yes, my body clock has officially turned upside down as though I’m in another timezone. Am I bothered by this? Very certainly, yes I do. I very much miss the times when I considered 1am as late and then woke up at 630am to embrace the day. It might be dreadfully tiring but at least, things were more productive. Right now, I either pulled through the day with no sleep or just slept through the day till late afternoon. It’s really bad and I believe its adverse health effects are imminent Β albeit not obvious. I need help.

I also need help in my gaming addiction. Last night, an exclusive in-game event was held which encouraged players to pump in real cash for virtual currency to enhance our equipment. It typically known not to be missed. So I decided to spend $80 in the event, convinced that it’s gonna be my only investment. But my luck failed on me repeatedly, so much so that I spent another $90 on it to reap no results at all. Literally throwing my cash away. I was honestly filled with immerse anger and guilt thereafter, really wanted to bash my self more than the game. In fact, I am still in the same state, only toned down. A leopard never changes its spots – I guess I’m just that stubborn, susceptible to temptations and stupid. I really want things to change.Β end 607am.

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