Should I be dejected over these rejections?

by hozhijie

These days are reeked with a seemingly endless chain of rejections but I’m kinda glad I am not underwhelmed by them. I’m not sure if I’m already used to the perennial state of losing things or I am just ‘optimistic’ as described by some people who witnessed my setbacks. Come to think of it, 2014 – 2016 has been plagued with countless tribulations which I shall summarise the major ones here:

April 2014 – Broken a public bond with SPF within a week of employment
October 2014 – Β Lost two military equipment in a span of two weeks
March 2015 – Cyberbullied by a batallion of soldiers
April 2015 – Grandma passed on after getting hit by a van
May 2015 – Withdrawal from overseas competition
December 2016 – Rejection from MOE Internship Programme
January 2016 – Rejection from DSTA Internship Programme
December 2016 – Withdrawal from prestigious University Programme

– and these possibly attributed to a downward spiral of my motivation, faith and attitude in life. I guess my gaming addiction is just a way to ease my stress. Coupled with the many intermittent setbacks, it’s really hard for me to stand firmly on two feet embracing the reality of life. They say it takes time to recover from a trauma and that’s exactly what I have done. Still, life goes on and I have to move on and not be permanently trapped as a prisoner of the past. Yes, the pain and stigma still linger on but let’s man up to face reality.

Recently, I am told not to accept my exchange programme because I was only offered initially due to my placement in the prestigious programme as aforementioned. I am indifferent towards such a response maybe because I have already mentally prepared myself for it…or am I just immune to setbacks once again?

This morning, Amelia texted me to inform me I did not make it past the audition I performed for a role in a short film. The friend I went with got the role though. I’m happy for him and I feel a little pity inside. Am I ever good enough? As I reflect, I recall thinking about the possible repercussions of getting that role which entails a certain degree of fame and attention. Do I really want to be in a limelight after the dramatic furore of cyberbullying two years back? Maybe I should just sit seatbelted in my comfort zone like a tortoise. Negativity aside, I told myself to regard it as a positive experience, nonetheless, to be able to challenge myself in front of a camera.

Back in school, I commonly hear people discussing or sharing about their plans to go for summer immersion programme or student exchange programme, or even the intention to take a certain module semester in advance. Yet here I am, only limiting myself to see what’s going on at most 2 weeks ahead. The lack of foresight and farsightedness really got me worrying about my future that seems rather bleak. Is anyone out there on the same boat as me?

Currently, I have two main dilemmas. The first dilemma lies on whether I should continue to play in the University band I have joined for the past semester or should I focus on my studies and other commitments. In JC, I told myself not to join band to explore other interests and yet I found myself caught in the band-wagon again. The required commitment in the band is rather high with 3 sessions per week. The repertoire for our upcoming concert in March is almost inscrutable to me which entails more practice outside allocated schedules. Secondly, I’m also in a quandary if I should sign up for the Netherlands band competition held in July for two weeks or should I not go and commit myself to being an OGL that period. Many factors are considered here – financial cost, commitment level and experience. The cost of the trip is hefty for me and heading for it means I must really study to maintain my scholarship. It’s indeed a once in a lifetime experience and I have never travelled to Europe at all. Or should I just settle for a less happening summer break as a OGL? I hope to make up my mind soon.

I’m impressed by myself that I actually spent two hours blogging amid my sleeplessness. Till next time.