2016

by hozhijie

*Wipes away cyber dust*

After months of hiatus, guess what? I’m back with more updates about the life of mine that has been so plagued with all sorts of setbacks. I think I shall skip all the tiny highlights and move on to the more important ones as follows:

Studies:

 

 

 

 

As you can see, it wasn’t a decent set of results at all. In the fateful noon when I refreshed the window and received it, I remember my emotion was more of relief than sadness. The relief then ensued with remorse for various reasons. Notwithstanding of such deplorable results, I’m relieved because I managed to get above C for all of them which means I need not waste my S/U to retake the modules. I’m also relieved because for the disgusting amount of effort I’ve put in, I still managed to do so. Imagine cramming the entire module only the night before. Yup I am living my life on the edge and taking too many things for granted.

I’m actually quite impressed by GER1000 where I got an unexpected A- and disappointed by UTW1001V that got a mediocre B. In these 2 cases, the effort invested is probably in contrary to the grades received. GER1000 is truly the one the saved my ass which I shall explain why later on. The other 2 Bs are also a miracle for the number of questions I can confidently do during exams which can be counted with my fingers alone. The other 2 core mods got a C+ which are understandable.

This Wednesday, I received a call to attend an interview with the new director of my programme in regards to my results. I supposed the interview was meant to understand my circumstances that may have led to such ridiculous grades for a Scholar who scored straight As during A Level. The session was a friendly one and I didn’t hold any expectation for the panel of two interviewers to retain me in the programme. I was told that the results would be known to me by that evening, whereupon I waited anxiously throughout the night to no avail. For four consecutive mornings thereafter, I woke up with puffy eyes and groggy mind to anticipate the email futilely. It was only earlier on, on the eve of the New Year, that it was disclosed to me on a bus ride. Natasha and Melwin were with me then and they consoled me by getting bubble tea HAHA. Thanks for the thought but I believe my indifference to the outcome was due to the fact that I have taken time to compose and prepare myself to embrace the worst outcome, which is to be ”recommended to leave from the programme”.

What’s at stake for me, you may ask? Well, the direct impact would be me not able to graduate within 4 years with a Masters’ degree and that means the redundancy to overload my modules each semester. Some, upon hearing the news, comforted me by saying it’s better to just leave and make full use of the ordinary four years without any need to cram and squeeze. Even the director who interviewed mentioned ”well, if you’re passing through a beautiful scenery, what help does speed do?”. Truth to be told, I am actually more than fine to do beyond the normal curriculum and that’s the basis of me signing for this programme. Semester 1 had also convinced me that it is quite doable if I were to manage my time and priorities better. I just need to be more disciplined and focused. Still, it’s too late to say these because the door has been closed. Right now, I’m quite determined to conquer Semester 2 although I’m still weighed down with some doubts. As transient as the programme lasts, I’m very grateful for the friends whom I’ve met there. Thanks for laughing with me for my poignant state of life and also encouraging me along the way. We were once on the same boat; while I may have sailed off alone, it’s still a great voyage.

I guess God has been gracious to me during this episode although it’s like a privilege taken away. I’m not sure why I’m not given a grace period of one semester but I trust that there will be greater things coming my way. I’m also grateful that I am allowed to keep my scholarship as my SU-ed grades made the mark. I only pray I won’t be suddenly informed that it’s revoked because that would make the cost of my actions too heavy for me to bear. I have S 5 out of the 6 modules taken which means I only have three more modules to SU in the future. How risky is such a scenario? Well, I certainly reaped what I’ve sown and should not whine so much. What’s my plan moving forward, Bryan asked. I think there is no looking back and I should keep my goals clear and strive for them. I really want to find back my old self who is so driven, determined and disciplined. I shall list down my resolutions soon.

Relationship
I’m usually bad at remembering stuff so I won’t delve much into this. Over 2016, as army ends and new lifestyles were embarked, I have met several people whom have made each moment we shared so memorable. From Miss Lee (my boss in the tuition centre I’ve worked for months) to my peers staying in the same residential college and to my friends in the same course, they are truly a fun and great bunch of people to know. For the familiar people, I’m glad many of us have chosen to maintain or even further our friendship through meet-ups. I’m heartened to know that there are also comrades from army who truly care.

Still, it’s not without its downs as along the way, some misunderstandings occurred sometimes. Yet, I’m fortunate to have people taking initiative to smooth things out. 2016 is also a year where many friends beside me turned 21 where birthday parties came one after another. I thank those who have invited me to celebrate your joyous occasion. Well, sometimes I may feel disappointed I didn’t get invited to certain parties, I guess I just have to understand that feelings are not always mutual. I truly thank the group of you for organising a surprise 21st birthday for me on my special day. I hope 2017 will be a more fruitful year for relationships to grow and prosper.

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Health
This is probably the most neglected aspect of my life since 2015 lol. I think I may have compromised my health as a therapy for the stress accumulated from the past traumas. I may look slim but my belly always protruded out haha. I had also barely exercised over the year and gave in to much sedentary work. IPPT is impending and I really need to step up my game. I think I have also aged a bit in appearance…?

Faith
I said it before and there’s no shame in me to claim that I have backslid in the midst of the year for various reasons. I stopped attending services and cell group sessions and spent the weekends behind the screen for various reasons. Am I happy about my lifestyle? For all the pleasure my leisure provided, I know deep down this isn’t the life I should be living. I still believe in God but my spirit is willing but body is weak. My erratic lifestyle didn’t encourage me to attend morning services and my personal beliefs stopped me from attending the hippy youth service. I am not propelled to go for cell group session too, even now. Nonetheless, I’m thankful for RC4Jesus that had provided a platform every week for sharing and worshiping. I’m still trying to overcome the worldly temptations and continue my walk with Him.

As the clock struck 12 just now, I began to worship on my own and the three songs I have sung seemed to strike me that in 2017, I shall learn to honor Him in all that I do and know that in all seasons, I’m safe in His arm. I’m convinced by what I feel and know that as long as I surrender myself to Him, everything shall be straightened out.

 

Family
I’m glad things improved so much since years ago. No more violence and no more incessant arguments. While there may be some intermittent rifts, it’s resolved quickly and we moved on. I only pray that my dad’s health can be better as he fell sick frequently from working over the night. My mom has also been retrenched recently as her company closed but it’s good she has found a new job. My sister seemed to be sensible as she spent the holiday working long hours although it’s meant for her KPOP concert soon lol. My wish for 2017 is that we can be more bonded and love can be more visibly shown.

Others:
If you ask me, 2016 was 90% Mapling and 10% actually living. It’s bad, I know. But I shouldn’t forget that I have also taken part in 3/4 concerts. My clarinet playing skills have deteriorated since JC but I’m glad to still pursue such passion. For other commitments, I am guilty I didn’t put in effort to participate, especially the interest groups in my RC LOL. I have also skipped more than half of the breakfast ordered, slept as late as 5/6am daily in school and woke up only for dinner. Mcdelivery was my best friend as I camped the night not studying.

All in all, I shall say that 2016 was quite a wasteful year for the incorrigibly terrible lifestyle I lived. It has zoomed past like it never happened before and I promise I could have done many things more productively. It felt like I’m been placed to go through a life that is so messed up and I probably will not do it again. Writing this enlightens me about that. I shall post my 2017 resolutions soon.

 

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