Semester Disaster

by hozhijie

BP: Sem1 W6

120616; 1913

Currently on a direct bus that is 15km away from my RC. Yes, I stay in the residential college and I have since started my tertiary education. Come to think of it, it’s been months since I made my last blog post. I’m pretty sure laziness is not the cause of my inactivity but my lack of discipline instead. In the army, I remember taking time out to blog as often as I can, at least once a week when I’m booking in. Now, although I seem to have more freedom, I haven made a single post. Perhaps it’s time to truly reflect on the happenings recently.

Time waits for no man indeed. In the blink, it’s already Week 6 and truth to be told, my mentality, attitude and behaviour is analogous to one of a Week 1. There’s an utter lack of discipline, self-control and sense of urgency in me and I’m not fond of it. Addiction and temptations are very real these days where I find myself sticking to my laptop for a prolonged period of time not to do any productive work but gaming – yes on the same exact game I once promised to abort but to no avail. It’s already commonplace to hear many of my friends remarking how I claimed to quit the last time we met yet later they found out I’m going back to play it lol. A frequent excuse I used to rationalise this habit was how I’m earning real life currency from it. Admittedly, the amount fluctuated and it’s not worth the time and effort invested. I tend to make time for the game no matter how busy my days are and my reason for sleeping as late as 5/6am each day is not ascribed to studying but you know what. As a result, inevitably I caught myself stuck in a gigantic snowball of work that I have trouble keeping up. Coupled with the financial drain that the game caused, some weeks are really tiresome to get past. Whatsoever happened to my priorities?

As I type these, I am increasingly overwhelmed with regrets and how I have the seemingly formidable proclivity to do something that will obviously bring more harm than good. Maybe it’s really time to stop giving myself and others false promises and really get back on track, to be who I truly need and can be. My current lifestyle is in stark contrast to my JC one where the latter was really disciplined and determined. I have never found myself being so obsessed over something like that and gambling is really detrimental. Let’s put a stop to this, shall I?

How’s RC life you may ask. Well, I am honestly revelling in it and I have no qualms against it except for its exorbitant cost. I love the facilities, the conduciveness and the people. I love how need not deal with the morning and evening crowds on the train and how I can wake up less than an hour before a lecture but still be on time while breakfast is taken. Speaking of lecture and breakfast, they are almost nonexistent to me because the last time I ever had breakfast was Week 2 and the last lecture ever truly attended was Week 3. It’s been said that people stay in the hostels to attend classes but I seem to totally neglect such a trend lol. I shall attribute everything to my incessant gaming habit. But the real question here is if I’m truly maximising my stay here? I have joined several interest groups but I haven attended most of them. Sorry to say that and I’m also ashamed of myself. Okay actually only the dance IG coz the training is quite often and I’m still inactive lol. Perhaps I shall kick that evil habit and see how I have improved.

Uni life is indeed very different from JC. The latter is more rigid where everything is arranged for you. You don’t control the curriculum but the curriculum controls you. Your peers are your motivating force and you just find yourself keeping up with the pace easily. Here in uni, independence is key and you are your own driving force. No one is there to nag at you and it’s your free will whether to meet the deadlines or not. You don’t suffer as a class but as an individual. I’m really grateful for my teachers back then who trusted in me and really pushed me. Today, I truly miss their scolding and ranting that propelled me. I’m already one year into my twenties yet I barely exercised some autonomy over my wellbeing and future. I need to revert this trend and get up from my failures. I’m sorry to disappoint everyone who once trusted me. I promise to make you proud again.

It’s pretty nice to meet familiar faces from all parts of my life here, like my army, pri/sec/jc and church friends. As such, the environment is holistically friendly and this is one reason why I forsook NTU. Nonetheless, it can be kinda tiring to think of who to have lunch every day. At times, I may feel kinda empty not having to find anyone to have my lunch with although my house and og jio people at times. Most of the time, I ended up having lunch by myself (around 2-3pm because that’s the time I woke up LOL). I’m actually pretty cool with it. I’m just thinking it would be better if there’s a constant company. As of now, even Tuesdays will be spent with XH and odd Thursdays with FS after class. Other days are just randomly spent. This setting kinda reminds me of secondary school days where I usually ate alone during recesses because of some politics. It’s pretty childish and lame now I think of it LOL. I’m glad JC was so much different for the better.

One aspect that I am most affected about now is my faith. Maybe I should confess that I have backslid for a myriad of known and unknown reasons. I no longer feel a connection with God although I still commit to say grace and pray before and after sleeping. It feels different. Maybe I’m too comfortable living a secular life that is liberated from all those obligations and commitments that can be really draining. What really happened? I know that I need Him yet I chose to walk astray. Who can bring me back? I can’t do it alone I guess. I need a breakthrough.

The highlights of these past few weeks include my performance at the Esplanade, sending off Alika at the airport last week and a fine dining with Alika and Melwin to celebrate Melwin’s birthday in advance before Alika left. For the concert, I had mixed feelings about it. On one hand, I’m really honoured to perform on such a grand stage to a full house. On the other hand, what bothered me was how I receive a chain of invitation rejections taunted with excuses at the last minute. If someone were to invite me to a concert and I’m free, I wouldn’t mind turning up alone. If lack of sleep is a reason, then I’m more speechless. If I know the concert is a big deal to my good friend, I will definitely attend no matter what. The disgusting thing is how the concert is free and yet I chose not to support. What’s worse is how I have already rejected six consecutive invitations to attend. The messages that came in that afternoon really disappointed me. Still, thanks Kaiying and Linda for coming although the invitation was kinda last min too. If you’re reading this, stop thinking that I only have acquaintances lol.

Yet last few days spent with A and M are expensive but valuable. The fine dining was a great experience although the price not very fine ah. Ordered a few dishes with names I couldn’t pronounce. Spent the next day exploring the cafes in the Tiong Bahru premise and then studied at NLB. On Wednesday 6/9 midnight, we sent A off for his study at the UK. The next time we will meet would probably be the end of the year. Will certainly miss the good times spent together man. All the best!

Alright I’ve just collected my bun for dinner at the dining hall and right now I’m lying on my bed at the hostel. I shall catch up with whatever I’ve missed over the weekend soon.

2023

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