by hozhijie



these days feel like im a huge loser in everything. i flunk in finance, studies, relationship, friendship, faith, health, commitments and im just naming a few. if i were friend with myself, i would certainly be ashamed of it as many will agree. im sorry if i impose my ways onto you and spurt out nasty remarks. everything seems to have a cause and effect. maybe it’s my upbringing and when compelled with my obstinate personality, i tend to want things my way. since young, i feel like i am never getting the things i want so is it normal that i am frustrated when the same situation happens as i am older? maybe i dedicate much of my time into computer gaming because there is a void to fill that im trying to avoid. perhaps the superiority in my virtual world somewhat ephemerally replaces the complex inferiority in the real me.

before i started penning this, i told myself that it’s just gonna be a succinct entry. now, after weeks of hiatus, i think there’s a need to update about the recent highlights. one of them is my results which are released on the start of this month. instead of checking it out immediately, i chose to only reveal it on the end of my arduous 3-day event work that was not so worthwhile. i did that because i knew deep down that it wasn’t gonna be awe-inspiring and i did not want to affect my work performance. on the 3rd day, i garnered my courage and decided to click on the ‘show’ button. lo and behold, i found myself praising the Lord and took several glances to verify it. i have passed both modules and it was a shocking revelation as i screwed up my finals terribly. this time i am not exaggerating as out of the 4 questions in each paper, i only knew how to do one and that one also comprised some major uncertainties. while i did not do fantastically well for both and even messed up my core elective, i thank God that S/U is permitted and it’s definitely a wake up call. if this were the official grades, i would have lost the privileges bestowed upon me. i pray hard that i will not repeat my habit of major procrastination and promise to work triply hard when the official term commences. as for the two modules, i guess i would S/U the better one, which is my unrestricted elective (that i inadvertently signed up for).

as aforementioned, the 3-day event work was gruesome because i had to stand for at least 12 hours each day. i thought i promised myself not to do such a job after sitex 2013 but i found myself accepting the offer once again. my job was to ask passersby to sign up for our free online newsletter and i was given an initial target of 150. while it sounded peanut, the reality was harsher than told. i was pretty annoyed when my boss mentioned my initial target was still 150 when i began to lose steam as i hit above 100 on the last day. i honestly doubt it was reasonable and realistic and i believe i had already been very professional to the extent that the neighboring insurance agents commended me as hardworking. personally, i am pretty impressed with myself. although my boss commended that i did a good job, i personally feel she thought that i could be better. let just await the next event to see if i was worth the hiring. nonetheless, it’s a good experience and i even formed some connections with the exhibitors there.

i am sad to share this but i think i have backslid. even though i still pray every night before i sleep, say thanks when i awake and grace when i eat, i feel like i am drifting away from God. i stopped attending youth service, do not attend Sunday service as i succumbed to my sleep and only attend Friday cell groups occasionally. why is this the case? this is clearly not the lifestyle i want to live yet i find myself gratifying desires that weigh down the bridge. last night, i was reluctant in attending my cell group for a myriad of reasons. Friday nights used to have a different significance that really compels me to anticipate it and grow in the Word. today, it feels just like a mundane gathering that only aims to finish the lesson. tbh, i was disgusted when a rule was set to ban Snapchat during every session. what’s worse was how my leader actually blocked me on Twitter when i kidded and that really upset me a lot. everyone in the past seemed more open towards learning and having fun. how about Saturday youth service? i stopped my ministry and went missing in action few months back as i found myself hardly adapting to the rapidly -changing atmosphere and worship style. sometimes it’s due to my sinful desire to stay at home gaming yet the former is still a more prominent reason. truth to be told, i really want to attend Sunday service every week but i just can’t find the discipline to wake up each dreadful morning. deep down, i am really saddened by my spiritual state. as i reflect, i think it started to head downhill since the demise of my grandma last year when i was really bombarded with many other setbacks then. i really questioned God and all i got was more misfortunes.

recently, i have also made some important decisions that will impact some aspects of my life in one way or another. i have withdrawn from rehearsing with my uni band despite much persuasion as i thought i should take July off to recuperate from the past draining months. i have withdrawn from a music camp which i signed up for as reading through its content once more makes me uninterested and i can’t afford to miss another practice with my other band. i have signed up for financial aid loans on top of the allowances from my scholarship as i think i shouldn’t be further burdened by finances and it can also lighten my dad’s worries too. speaking of that, i am actually pretty worried that my application is withdrawn and i need to reapply as the deadline for a final submission is nearing and my login just now encountered some administrative difficulties that redirect me to reapplication. i really loathed how i am dealing with matters like this like a snail and only commit to it at the eleventh hour when the office was closed and i could not seek help early. now i just have to wait for a reply that may make me miss the deadline. that aside, i have also started teaching this lower sec boy maths since last week and the last lesson will end by this month which is a very apt timing for both of us. i have dismissed myself from my former administrative work two days ago after sorting out the final work once and for all. lastly, i have confirmed to stay in a residential college in a suite department and i have signed up for its camp that’s starting on the 18th. i really wonder what will my residential life entail and i really hope it can be a positive one.

before i close, i just want to say it’s heartwrenching to see the last drop of water in a boiler vaporised. while i am not a good friend to all and i have been very unreasonable to some at times, i really hope people can see where i am coming from and not jump into conclusion. even if i am wrong, i really love to see a considerate way of correction. instead of escaping, i think it’s better if we embrace it with maturity and patience. i know my way of thinking and doing things is unorthodox but all i ask is just greater understanding. if you feel i am always wanting my way, why not attempt to see things from my prospective or even understand why i say that. it’s been tiring i know after these years of struggle to keep afloat. if it’s meant to sink like a stone, why try so hard to make it buoyant? after all, with the right conditions, even a thousand-ton ship can float without a problem.