mess with (in) me

by hozhijie

would u truly befriend someone who does not come from an affluent background? sometimes i feel like a burden to the people who try to help me financially. at times i feel like my burden is derived from my family financial status. contrary to the belief held by some, no, i do not come from a well to do family. many a times i spent lavishly and wastefully on stuff that don’t matter without a tinge of guilt. it’s a killer habit.

one thing that i really revere about our government here is their financial assistance scheme which had helped me significantly in my 12 years of education. i had barely forked out much money at all for my education and im ever grateful for the various bursaries given out to recognise my efforts in school. when i was young, i inevitably made comparisons to kids of other households, envying their prized possessions of a mere gameboy colour, ps1 or even a lego set. i did not have the luxury of these items. even now, i do not own what many people desire, from a conventional air-con (recently i loathe about how my papers keep flying when im doing work with my 5-year-old fan behind me) to a simple and short getaway with my family. one thing that i think i have done right and at the same time wrong is to purchase my first ever personal laptop last July with my NS money topped up a tad with my dad’s money. if not for it, i would be struggling to finish my online-intensive modules now. its purchase is also a great platform for temptations as i slowly found myself addicted to online gaming where unnecessary splurging of money ensued. perhaps i had spent on this needless, superficial aspect to fill that unspeakable void and esteem in me.

i used to regrettably complain about how i shouldn’t spend that two grands on gaming because i’m financially suffocated. come to think of it, even if i were to save up that sum, would i not be crippling now? well, probably but not for long i guess as i would have spent it on other aspects as well. it’s perplexing to be in my current circumstances right now where im in loan to my school and friends. i really hope to relieve the latter as they too need the money. as for my school fees, i constantly question myself on making that costly decision months ago on whether to sign up for this advanced courses. this is another topic i would want to talk about.

just before i ord, my school asked if i was keen to join this special programme catered to the nsmen. i casually weighed upon my priorities and realised it’s actually useful and relevant to me since my unique programme of completing a normal degree in just 3 years requires me to complete more modules per semester than most people. also, it would be a great avenue for me to recap and refresh my moldy mind before the real thing starts. so guess what? i mindlessly went to sign myself up for it thinking that i will be disciplined enough to conquer it. the first module starts its ungraded online component in January and its graded online and real-life lessons in March. at the start, i didn’t put in any effort at all since it’s ungraded and it’s ‘still early’. weeks proceeded and i decided to change my course to chemical engineering and this inevitably made me change my modules as well. i dropped two and took up one new module.

things then started to turn real serious in March when offline sessions were conducted in the school premise. each session really propelled me to put in more effort to catch up with the rest but that fire died when i reached home. it’s a norm to feel demoralised. things were aggravated when i realised i have missed 5 deadlines for my graded online assignments which total up to 7.5%. just when i thought things were bad enough, i further realised that this module is just an unrestricted elective for me, which means i do not have to take at all to fulfill my faculty requirement. at that moment, i really loathed myself for making such a bad move and planning. in fact, i spent more time on that module than my core module. a read-through of a welcome email sent to me by my unique 3-year programme claims that the current two modules are the hardest level 1000 modules in the faculty and i believe i am the only person who takes such a weird combination. just last lesson, my prof asked me why do i take up this module meant for mechanical engineering and i spontaneously responded with IDK in a comically despondent way. still, it is still a good module for me to explore my former course that i dropped and its practicality is actually useful. above all, i should have read the list of recommended modules more carefully then but it is all too late.

if not for this advanced programme or in fact, my ill-discipline and half-hearted attitude, i would have lived a more enriching life free of academic stress and earn more money to finance my present and future expenses. i think the main culprit would be my personal attitude towards it. someone remarked this to me months ago: zhijie, you always participate in things u can’t commit to. now i think of it, perhaps his crude statement is a harsh yet true sentiment. perhaps my spirit can commit but my body says no. i should have known better and not let procrastination take a hold of me. should i be ashamed to announce that i have only started to learn the new topics two days from now before its 25% weightage test? for now, nothing much can be done and all these rantings can’t avert a thing. i have nightmares of losing my place in the prestigious programme coupled with the scholarship.Β all i can do now is to really set my eyes on the crucial work and my feet on the right track. i need to go on full engine.

although my test is really impending, i have compromised my revision time to type these out. not because i am skiving. i just feel an urge to share some of my roaring emotions here. i am also kinda upset by how i am turned down by my closest friends, subconsciously or not. sorry for being such a nettlesome friend. maybe things just cant revert to the familiar past and change is a must. i have a feeling that everything will fall in place when i dedicate my time more to Him as i have been drifting and floating aimlessly all these while. it’s actually affecting me like how my spiritual life has been in a rumble too. can all these debris still be restored to its former glory?