by hozhijie

I feel so stranded in the same emotions wherever I go. People pushing boundaries to get what they want, indifferent towards the needs and conditions of the people around them. Coming up with rules and systems to advocate their welfare to feign fairness when it genuinely underlies malicious intent. Failure to practice what is preached and actualise what is read.

You know what? I have come to embrace the cruelty of the world so much that I can barely breathe standing alone. I probably won’t make it this far and farther without the presence of the ones who really care and support regardless of my circumstances. I hate to say that it’s so easy to hate and so hard to love. Yet I’m called to love even those who hate me and do good to those who sabotage me. It’s normal that saying is usually easier than doing it. I always forge a judgment that some believers in the circumambience are not emulating the ways of a faithful follower. They are more vocal than me in displaying spiritual folly and vices at times. But if I do not follow the commandments of Christ, such as to love others no matter what, how much difference do I have with them?

I am really very tired. I have tried, very very hard to accommodate to the differences of everyone and accept the conflicting vibes around me. Perhaps it’s okay for me to admit that these two years have been particularly emotionally and mentally draining. It tells me a lot about how I am as a person and how the world really functions. As long as I am reliable on the opinions and responses of others, I’ll probably remain stagnant in my growth. Yet it’s something I have yet to transcend. There seems to be no beginning nor an end to it – seemingly an endless circle of psychological harm. I need an urgent breakthrough.

Amid all the trials and tribulations, I am glad that I’m still here fighting the battle. I could have given up long ago but something indescribable urges me to endure every time. I know that I cannot let go this easily and early. There appears to be something greater ahead of me to be conquered. The light at the end of the tunnel is still dim but maybe impending if persistence lasts. Lord, please grant me the ability to pull through every season.