After the lovely break

by hozhijie

050515; 2147; After the lovely break
Currently on the way to book in after a good six days of hiatus from all the mental and emotional torture. To be frank, I am rather reluctant and hesitant to come face to face with reality once again. The past few days have been too good and enjoyable and I hope I am not too greedy for more. Embracing conscription is inevitable but what it entails is the one that shuns me away.. While it’s official that I am no longer shooting everyday with the rest, I will be following the original unit’s schedule where I may need to face my greatest fear like the SOC. That’s a physical giant. I don’t feel right socially and emotionally too. I guess all I can depend on is I, me and myself. If I don’t stand firm then everything will collapse once again.
There are eight months more to go. Short as may it seem but each day is longer than what’s expected. The future before the departure seems bleak, really bleak. I feel like I’ve lost everything at the wrong time. If no one’s picking me up then I must do it on my own. It’s bad to be imprisoned by the past. Mistakes were made and poignancy was hurled upon – but the only way to advance is forward. I need to remind myself to let it go and be ready and open to changes. The thought of the bygones is haunting and excruciating but it’s pointless to mull over it forever for it doesn’t change a thing.
Dear God, I know that You are in control and everything that happened is not by chance but in accordance to Your perfect plan. While I have been praying for months in the midst of the various predicaments and heard no answer from You, felt no presence of Yours, I trust that You will not forsake or leave me. It has been a tiresome yet hopeful test of trust and faith. The t word keeps coming to me each time. It’s the key and way to unlock Your will, the ingredient to shine for Your glory. Please teach me how to be a living testimony for You. Incessant moodiness is definitely not the way. I need joy and You are its source. May I learn to seek after Your presence and teaching each day, as Your glory and mercy unfold. Amen.