murphylol

Anything that can go wrong, will go (embarrassingly) wrong.

Year 1 Summer

2044

After much delay and procrastination, I guess I shall finally talk about life over the last few months. I also realised I did not talk much about my Y1S2 academic performance so I will touch on it a little too. Frankly speaking, while I do have the compulsion to pen down my thoughts, the lethargic in me is making me a little apprehensive to do so too. Let’s see how much can I share before heading downstairs for my college house event soon.

Y1S2

That semester started off bad although I tried to quit my gaming habits. It took a direct downturn during recess week as I re-downloaded my game and even spent a thousand buck getting back some virtual enhancement. Soon after, I found myself caught in the gaming spree again, causing a vicious cycle on top of my erratic body clock. I remember only sleeping after having my breakfast for a few days in a row. It’s horrendous. Midterm results weren’t that fantastic although one of them was better than average. I only started to try concentrating on my work and tuning back my body clock two weeks before the Finals and by that time, it was a little too late. When results were out on the 29th of May, I only prayed for a decent set of results, not expecting any Ace. Granted, I got myself straight Bs, doing above than average for my level 2000 module which I cannot S/U. While I felt the other B+ could be better, I guess I’m already fortunate to get that grade. I contemplated a little and then spent 2 SU on the B- I have gotten, leaving myself with only 1 SU throughout the entire university life.

It’s gonna be a precarious journey ahead that I must conquer, I told myself. Throughout the entire three month holiday, a constant fear always loomed my heart – getting a call or email that informs me I lost my scholarship. I have already lost my placing in a prestigious programme in Semester 1; I can’t afford to receive the same ill fate. Even at this current moment, I’m worried that call or email comes in anytime..I really pray all will be fine and this semester will be a redemption for me.

Nepal OCIP 2017

I spent half of the month of May in Nepal doing community service under UNI-Y NUS. After spending the entire semester on the nettlesome fundraising spearheaded by me, I guess I could finally see our hardwork paid off and come to fruition. I would say that the trip was an eye-opener for me as I finally got to see mountain ranges with my bare eyes. The first 13 days of the trip were spent in two schools in the village premise. The first school was held at a walking time of approximately 20 minutes from our guesthouse. So every day for 4 consecutive days, we took off as early as 8am and marched ourselves under the glaring sun to the school where we were greeted warmly by the smiles and cheers of the kids there. We conducted many activities there and one or two occasions, I even taught them the choreography of the dance we prepared. The whole school was situated in a land no bigger than two basketball courts but I believe the learning environment was considered good already given the concrete floor. On the last 2 days of volunteering there, I got to teach a class of 23 rowdy yet eager kids with education level equivalent to primary one or two, alongside with 3 more volunteers. We swear they almost drained us in all aspects but also agree it’s an interesting and meaningful experience we will never get elsewhere. On the last day of service, it’s heartening to receive surprise gift cards and flowers from the students themselves. Standing on an elevated road next to the school, we then waved goodbye to them for one final time as they reciprocated with the same warmth and joy as they first greeted us.

-brb, 2120-

Camp

Camp is starting tomorrow and instead of feeling excited, I’m engulfed more with anxiety and apprehension. I guess I have been flooding myself with too much negativity these days as I intoxicate myself with doubts, demoralising beliefs and degrading ideas. I always think I am not cut for this role and I wonder what propelled me to sign up for it. Just awhile ago, I asked my friend why didn’t he sign up for the camp as a leader and he gave a succinct yet thought-provoking reply: That’s not my kind of social activity. I don’t know why but it resonates deeply with me especially when I have a more than fair enough dose of interaction and coordination. Maybe if the work environment radiates a more supportive vibe, I would have enjoyed my appointment a little more. If 2017 were to teach me anything about myself, it would be I’m better working alone or not working in any projects at all, because I fear the mental obligations that interaction burgeons.

I am an over-thinker and many a times an over-doer as well. I tend to finish what I set to accomplish and not leave it half-done. Apparently, such characteristic of mine kinda elicits a response I hate to expect – having people brushing my idea off and not even giving it a try. I am mostly associated with the cringe and awkward connotations that are polar opposite of my goals. I tried, and I’m tired. And yes, I’m just soft and not resilient enough. I’m just not a people-person and I still seek to understand myself as a person.

Enough with the vague rants, I really hope the camp will turn out better than expected. Till Friday.

-2216

21 Going 22

2358

Gonna reflect my 21st year on Earth in a prayer.

Dear Lord,

Thank You for bringing me through the past year. While it wasn’t a smooth journey (since when it ever does?), I suppose valuable lessons are learnt and I’m still learning. Looking back, I regrettably admit that I have made mistakes after mistakes and not turning a new leaf after each trial. I guess the costs are paid and I wouldn’t be surprised if there’s any future costs to be made. Yet among those grave decision I made, the gravest one would be to drift away from You. I know I need draw near but worldly distractions and temptations have been deterring me.

For this 22nd year, I pray for greater spiritual maturity to embrace my impending circumstances. I pray for a more meaningful lifestyle and sensible experience. Please grant me greater self-control and foresight to conquer what’s coming my way and let me once again be Your Light and testimony. Today, people recognise me by the M word but allow me to exemplify Jesus this time forth. I pray that all aspects of my life will be back on track and no longer I’ll be the sloth I am who procrastinates everything.

Amen

 

P.S. The day didn’t start with a good note but a quarrelsome one. Disappointment just reinforces disappointment. 0046

One Down, Three To Go

Just ended my first Finals paper and feeling like crap now. As usual, I thought I could do better without the abrupt nervousness which clogged my mind and if only I stopped skiving and started my revision earlier, not one week before. Consider that I only started learning everything about the module in 5 days, was that performance reasonable or am I just greedy? I can’t help but to feel stupid and undeserving after any paper. I question my academic stature as a scholar and doubt my ability to the core. I frequently reflected and regretted about my late revision. I am demoralised. Yet, I know this feeling will subside after awhile, maybe a day or two, knowing that I will reap what I sow. I suddenly appreciate the concept of grace and silently plead with Him for a less-than-disappointing grade while harboring a vague faith that He will lead me to where I need to regardless of my results.

I have come to understand that setbacks are inevitable in life and I just need to embrace them with no excuses. Typing this gives me hope that my frustration can be relieved at least in its slightest before moving on to my next task in line – something that I intentionally neglected for the whole semester. Time is ticking and little did I realise I have less than 24 hours to make the cut. It’s certain that I need more than a miracle to make it work. I need to.

Disappointment

545am: These days, I am flooded with leadership commitments that I have voluntarily taken up. I wonder what really motivated me to assume these roles but my slightest reflection tells me that it is certainly not to polish my portfolio. Perhaps I wanted to know more people, to keep myself preoccupied so I can stop playing my games, to make myself seem more useful, or to really just have fun. While I enjoy my fruit of labor after doing so much administrative work, I can’t help but to feel empty and to some extent, a little upset with how things are progressing. Forging bonds is not as easy as it seems and many a times, I feel like my effort is taken for granted. People just don’t reciprocate with appreciation but I shall acknowledge this is actually normal and only natural. Past experiences have shown me that my biggest flaw is to expect to receive when I give. This is one reason why sometimes I was not happy doing what I was tasked to do. I believe I have improved a little with time but these feelings just linger on a little every now and then.

I have also come to realise the importance of having good team dynamic with the people I work with. Few weeks ago, I ended an event project with a team I do not regard with respect at all. The three-month course of collaboration only reveals the true colors of people which I am deeply disturbed with, but not conveyed across. It came across as trying to fill up that position merely for the adornment of one’s cv, neglecting the needs of others and pushing responsibilities around. Can you imagine how would it be to handle the work alone which is meant for the entire team and not being shown concern, support and encouragement? No one bat an eye and things only worsened with the repeated rejections of my little suggestions to make things better. In the end, when things went awry, oh everyone naturally pointed their fingers at me. I am the biggest loser who did not know how to stand up for myself.

After doing so much shitwork, I chanced upon a hearsay that someone in my team thought I was eccentric. At first, I laughed it off, thinking that it was funny and not a big deal. Little did I know I was actually perturbed by such a tiny comment. Negative feedback set in and I begin to question many things like how am I gonna forge bond when this is the kind of impression I etched upon others? At times I feel like people only think for themselves, only wanting to go with the flow effortlessly and then reap the harvest together. Or maybe that’s just life and that’s the premise for the existence of leaders. It would be nice to receive encouragement like ‘hey let me know if you ever need help’ or ‘thanks so much for coming up with this’. Am I expecting a lot or just being too sensitive as usual? I don’t display it but deep down, that would soothe my mental stress a lot.

It’s 559am and I’m still up typing this, not feeling a tinge of tiredness. Yes, my body clock has officially turned upside down as though I’m in another timezone. Am I bothered by this? Very certainly, yes I do. I very much miss the times when I considered 1am as late and then woke up at 630am to embrace the day. It might be dreadfully tiring but at least, things were more productive. Right now, I either pulled through the day with no sleep or just slept through the day till late afternoon. It’s really bad and I believe its adverse health effects are imminent  albeit not obvious. I need help.

I also need help in my gaming addiction. Last night, an exclusive in-game event was held which encouraged players to pump in real cash for virtual currency to enhance our equipment. It typically known not to be missed. So I decided to spend $80 in the event, convinced that it’s gonna be my only investment. But my luck failed on me repeatedly, so much so that I spent another $90 on it to reap no results at all. Literally throwing my cash away. I was honestly filled with immerse anger and guilt thereafter, really wanted to bash my self more than the game. In fact, I am still in the same state, only toned down. A leopard never changes its spots – I guess I’m just that stubborn, susceptible to temptations and stupid. I really want things to change. end 607am.

3rd set of results

Just got back my 3rd mid term results for a year 2 module. Didn’t do better than expected and for the 3rd time, I’m below the median. Demoralised, I guess I have overestimated myself. Commitments are kicking in like never before too. Concert is coming in 2 weeks’ time and I’ve kinda underprepared. Passion seems to be diminishing. While I am glad those friends have bought the tickets to my concert took the initiative to do so, I am also somewhat disappointment at those who responded with a spectrum of excuses. This makes me realise it’s actually a phase to feel this way every time a concert is nearing lol. I start to think that this is actually an indication of genuine friendship although it doesn’t apply to everyone. But what’s for sure is those I’ve approached and invited personally are those I really hope I can garner support from.

MidTerms

Just ended my Maths paper an  hour ago and I found out that I’ve made at least 3 mistakes upon 10 not long after. After many hours of dedication into completing the various past years papers, it seems like I am just back to being mediocre. Maybe I shouldn’t cry over spilled milk although I have this perpetual feeling to keep demoralising myself with unhealthy thoughts like I’m never good enough. I had another paper in the afternoon amid my severe lack of sleep. It was shaky and I wouldn’t want to think about it. The state of being disappointed hasn’t been this overwhelming for long. I just hope I can be more careful next time. And till now, the regret and guilt of spending too extravagantly on my game still linger on. How I hope time can rewind for me to not fall into that temptation. How I wish I can be less prone to tragedies in life.

MidTerms – Midway of Sem

It’s dawn and more importantly, it’s the midpoint of Semester Two already. Remember the resolutions I have made earlier on? I guess it’s time to review them.

1. Quit gaming
– Okay this is actually the motivation that makes me blog now. At first, I really stuck to my promise as I indeed spent lesser and lesser time on gaming. I sold some of my equipment and got back a handsome sum of a grand. I found out how much carefree I could be when I am not bound to the game. Life began to spark new meanings and I was contented with my progress although some friends still doubt my determination to quit. Judging from what I just wrote, you would have guessed something unfortunate has happened and you’re right.

Today is the end of Recess Week and two nights ago, I decided to pop up in the game for some stress relief. I would do that occasionally. But this time, something sinister got hold of me and little did I know, I have thrown in the one plus grand that I had painstakingly retrieved. I am back to square one. When I woke up after sleeping with a flummoxed, remorseful mood, the guilt and regrets still lingered on – even till now. Temptations are so sneaky and scheming; I never knew I can be such vulnerable victim to be toyed with. Suddenly, a swarm of worries just overwhelmed me as I fret over my financial capability to endure the summer break with an impending overseas exchange that doesn’t come cheap too. If you’re reading this and had always hoped I leave the game, I’m sorry to disappoint. The most I can do is to assure you I will prioritise my commitments over this. I must not repeat the same mistake that toppled my previous sem.

2. Be early, not punctual
On a more positive note, I think I have become more time-conscious.

3. Sleep early
LOL it’s 7am now and I’m still wide awake. I slept at 10am last ‘night’ so you can say my body clock is tragically inverted. Please help.

4. Be less spendthrift
lol no.

5. Keep fit
Just took my IPPT on Thursday and guess what? I have gotten a pass with incentive! Given my already crippling fitness and lack of training, this is considered good for me. I thank God for giving me that fateful 13:30min on the dot to clinch that reward. I remember wanting to give up after the second round of run but I told myself to push on and keep jogging. In the last hundred meter, I looked at my watch and realised I had only thirty seconds to make the cut and whereupon, I garnered all my will to make that dash. The timing shown after crossing the gantry elicited the greatest sense of relief which I had long experienced. The run was indeed a challenge. I also thank my suite neighbour Gareth for encouraging me to train my push ups and sit ups with him from time to time. And also Shawn for accompanying me for IPPT and then dinner hehe. Too bad he was 4 seconds away from Silver lol.

6. Live the Godly life
Hmm while I have not attended any services since then, I have made it a point to attend the fellowship in my college every week. It’s been a very encouraging community. I really hope to do more.

7. Maintaining relationship
Made some good friends in my course in a short span of two semesters and I consider it a blessing. Recently, some exchanges of words kinda make me evaluate the kind of friends I need in my life. Maybe I shouldn’t bother with people who never want to bother me in the first place.

8. Others
Signed up for 3 OGL roles in the summer break and may be the house head for my faculty one. It’s gonna be nerve wrecking yet exciting. I hope I am not over-committing myself as I just wanna spend the break meaningful. I also signed up for this OCIP to Nepal and am chosen to be the head of the fundraising team. I never knew the preparation phase for this project is so taxing as we are expected to accomplish so much in a short span of three months. Halfway through the proposal vetting, some of us feel that perhaps postponing it to December may be a better idea. I’m not sure what’s with the rush but since the terms are already accepted, I should just fulfill my role diligently and take it as a form of challenge, reaping the fruit of labor when the actualisation comes.

My studies are considered on track but I need to buck up more. This sem, I took only 4 graded modules as compared to 6 intensive ones the last time. The difference in workload is obvious and I wonder how I managed to pull through the previous sem with such happy go lucky attitude. I really hope to do well this sem. I need that sense of urgency back.

It’s 713am and although I feel like writing more, I can feel the lethargy floating in. Till next time.

Should I be dejected over these rejections?

These days are reeked with a seemingly endless chain of rejections but I’m kinda glad I am not underwhelmed by them. I’m not sure if I’m already used to the perennial state of losing things or I am just ‘optimistic’ as described by some people who witnessed my setbacks. Come to think of it, 2014 – 2016 has been plagued with countless tribulations which I shall summarise the major ones here:

April 2014 – Broken a public bond with SPF within a week of employment
October 2014 –  Lost two military equipment in a span of two weeks
March 2015 – Cyberbullied by a batallion of soldiers
April 2015 – Grandma passed on after getting hit by a van
May 2015 – Withdrawal from overseas competition
December 2016 – Rejection from MOE Internship Programme
January 2016 – Rejection from DSTA Internship Programme
December 2016 – Withdrawal from prestigious University Programme

– and these possibly attributed to a downward spiral of my motivation, faith and attitude in life. I guess my gaming addiction is just a way to ease my stress. Coupled with the many intermittent setbacks, it’s really hard for me to stand firmly on two feet embracing the reality of life. They say it takes time to recover from a trauma and that’s exactly what I have done. Still, life goes on and I have to move on and not be permanently trapped as a prisoner of the past. Yes, the pain and stigma still linger on but let’s man up to face reality.

Recently, I am told not to accept my exchange programme because I was only offered initially due to my placement in the prestigious programme as aforementioned. I am indifferent towards such a response maybe because I have already mentally prepared myself for it…or am I just immune to setbacks once again?

This morning, Amelia texted me to inform me I did not make it past the audition I performed for a role in a short film. The friend I went with got the role though. I’m happy for him and I feel a little pity inside. Am I ever good enough? As I reflect, I recall thinking about the possible repercussions of getting that role which entails a certain degree of fame and attention. Do I really want to be in a limelight after the dramatic furore of cyberbullying two years back? Maybe I should just sit seatbelted in my comfort zone like a tortoise. Negativity aside, I told myself to regard it as a positive experience, nonetheless, to be able to challenge myself in front of a camera.

Back in school, I commonly hear people discussing or sharing about their plans to go for summer immersion programme or student exchange programme, or even the intention to take a certain module semester in advance. Yet here I am, only limiting myself to see what’s going on at most 2 weeks ahead. The lack of foresight and farsightedness really got me worrying about my future that seems rather bleak. Is anyone out there on the same boat as me?

Currently, I have two main dilemmas. The first dilemma lies on whether I should continue to play in the University band I have joined for the past semester or should I focus on my studies and other commitments. In JC, I told myself not to join band to explore other interests and yet I found myself caught in the band-wagon again. The required commitment in the band is rather high with 3 sessions per week. The repertoire for our upcoming concert in March is almost inscrutable to me which entails more practice outside allocated schedules. Secondly, I’m also in a quandary if I should sign up for the Netherlands band competition held in July for two weeks or should I not go and commit myself to being an OGL that period. Many factors are considered here – financial cost, commitment level and experience. The cost of the trip is hefty for me and heading for it means I must really study to maintain my scholarship. It’s indeed a once in a lifetime experience and I have never travelled to Europe at all. Or should I just settle for a less happening summer break as a OGL? I hope to make up my mind soon.

I’m impressed by myself that I actually spent two hours blogging amid my sleeplessness. Till next time.

 

1802.

 

Resolutions

Though late, I shall briefly post some of my resolutions for the new year:

1. Quit gaming
–  Have been progressing rather well as I seldom play it now. Not playing the game frequently makes me realise how time can better spent and optimised to do productive and meaningful work.

2. Be early, not punctual
– Being late seemed inherent in me and I felt guilty every time I kept someone waiting. I’m glad the frequency of me being late has lessened and I have gained an increasing sense of urgency

3. Sleep early
– Not achieved for the past 22 days as I’m still trying to calibrate my body clock to a more human condition. It’s 445pm now and that clocks 25 hours of sleeplessness. Blame it on that tempting dose of caffeine I had at 3am last night. I’m so glad I survived the day effortlessly.

4. Be less spendthrift
– This has always been something I need to work on as I tend to splurge all my money recklessly. I guess I have been pampering myself too much so much so that I neglect my long-term well-being. Recently, I bought a wireless earphone for forty bucks and immensely regret it as it doesn’t seem to look presentable. Paying two hundred bucks for my long due phone bills aches me. Given the financially precarious state of my family, I really gotta mind my spending habits wisely and not spend it unnecessarily but only on stuff that matter.

5. Keep fit
– So far, there has been no progress here as my erratic lifestyle has forbidden me from working out in a conducive manner. After getting my body clock fixed, it’s time for me to work towards a healthy lifestyle. I admit I have been damaging my body extensively with the diet and habits I exhibit. I should not take it for granted. IPPT is due in less than four months’ time which means I ought to start real soon.

6. Live the Godly life
– I believe my faith is instrumental in determining the lifestyle and attitude I have. By putting God first, I trust that I can embrace any challenges more sensibly and courageously instead of escaping from them by indulging in computer games. After all, I have seen His goodness over the years and I confess the past year of backsliding has not been comfortable. I pray that I can be blessed with the wisdom to run the race.

7. Maintaining relationship
– As a sensible young adult, I need to learn to respect my parents more and honor them in any way I can. While my mum always gets on my nerves with all that she does and says and it’s not hard to accommodate to that albeit living together for the past two decades, the very least I can start doing is to control my temper. Dad has been very hardworking as he works overnight to feed the household and I wouldn’t want to burden him more. My worst fear right now is to lose my scholarship which will incur further financial cost. That thus gives greater reason to why I have to start studying hard and not game anymore. Sis seems to have an idea of her desired career as a nurse. While my dad opposes to her, I support her ambition and am quietly delighted that she has matured (she has even worked part-time in a bakery last December holiday).

Some friends come and go but few stay for a lifetime. I am grateful that we have been maintaining contact and taking time to catch up despite our hectic schedules. University life has been falling in place in a social sense as lunch buddies turn up naturally every day. Lectures are made less dreadful with a constant company. Suite mates are amicable and great to hang out with. Relationship takes two hands to clap. While I am still not over some friendships that were forged in JC ended miserably with reasons unbeknownst to me, I am hopeful that the people I associate myself with may not just be seasonal friends.

One day I hope to chance upon this post and discover how much improvement have I made.

510pm